Back in the Saddle

Funny, I stumbled across this "by accident" this morning. I had actually forgotten about this blog. I have another blog that I've been working on. I think I will compartmentalize these blogs and keep this one strictly for spiritual musings.

My thoughts have been all over the place spiritually, and then sometimes it's just quiet. I will go into that more later. I just kind of wanted to make a note here and remind myself. The thoughts I have now would make my family apoplectic so this is not something I would share with them...ever. It's not that I don't want to be authentic. It's more that I don't want to cause them the kind of pain and worry that I would have felt when I was in their place. I believe it's all okay, it's fine for me to be thinking outside the box I grew up in, and that if I'm supposed to end up back to where I started, then I will. I just really don't think that's what will happen though. I believe in God - I just don't believe the same way as how I was raised.

Anyway, I have to get to work, so more on this later.

Daisy Petal Christianity

Originally posted January 19, 2009:

Daisy Petal Christianity

Posted by Paula at 2:59 PM

How often do you find yourself doubting God’s love for you? It's not that Idoubt His love for me - it's more that His love seems kind of abstract, not something truly personal - yet. It's like more of a knowledge factor than a feeling.

When do you find you question His love the most? Do I still question His love? I might question why He would love me, but not so much the fact that He does.

How certain are you that God loves you as deeply as he does anyone else in the world? This is harder. I know in my head that He does - again, why?

When difficulties arise do you find yourself doubting God’s love for you, or trying to be more righteous so he’ll like you more? I think I'm past the point where I doubt His love - but do I live every day in the knowledge, freedom and power of that love - no. I want to change that. I do want to do more to please Him, but I don't think it's to try to win His love or His like.

Ask God in the days ahead to reveal to you the depths of his love for you.Definitely!!!

What Jesus' Disciples Didn't Know

Originally posted January 22, 2009:

What Jesus' Disciples Didn't Know

Posted by Paula at 12:23 PM

Spend a few moments thinking about your relationship with God. Do you see it growing in closeness and sensitivity, or does it feel abstract? I see our relationship growing closer - still in the awkward getting to know Him better stage. I've 'known' Him for years, and at times been seemingly close, but our relationship is now moving into a new realm.

Is he more real than your closest friend, or a distant presence that rarely seems to engage the real issues of your life? Since my social life has been on hold for too many years, Dad is definitely more real than my closest friend. But I'm really looking forward to that intimacy that will bond me to Him in a way I've only imagined.

If your relationship with him isn’t what you want it to be, ask him to help you grow to know him better and to recognize his presence throughout each day.Not there yet, but we're on our way!!!

A Father Like No Other

Originally posted January 30, 2009:

A Father Like No Other

Posted by Paula at 1:07 PM

Ask God to show you where you live less-loved.

What does it make you do—run to your own way like the younger brother or work even harder like the older one? I think in the past it probably made me do both at different times, with different circumstances. Now I'm just running to Him.

God wants you to know that there is nothing you can do to make him love you any more today, and nothing you can do that will make him love you any less. He just loves you.

Ask him to teach you how true that is so you can live in freedom.

Welcome Home

Originally posted January 30, 2009:

Welcome Home

Posted by Paula at 1:53 PM

What reservations do you have about entrusting yourself completely to God?I admit - I have had reservations. I am learning to live in His love. I guess I won't know if I truly am entrusting myself completely to Him until I have an area where that trust might be difficult to exercise. But I think I am entrusting myself and my family to Him.

Realize that the only way to grow in trust is to grow in the knowledge of his love. Ask him every day to reveal the depth of his love to you and in doing so teach you how to trust him more.

Creation through God marking Cain

Originally posted July 20, 2009 on another blog (doing some rearranging):

Creation through God marking Cain

Posted by Paula at 8:21 AM

It's been suggested that we read the Bible through the eyes of God's love for man. I think this is an excellent idea. The drawback might be that I'm not so sure the OT was written from that perspective because I'm not sure that's how people in those times viewed God - so it takes a little work.

I'm trying to read the Bible with new eyes so I've started at the beginning and I'm going to work my way through. I'm reading "The Books of the Bible" which I think might make it a little easier to make this journey with fresh insight.

Observations:

1. It would appear that all living creatures were vegetarians. "Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move on the ground--everything that has the breath of life in it--I give every green plant for food."
2. It is not specified that God said "don't eat from the tree of life", only "don't eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil". In fact, it says that God said they could eat from any tree from the garden except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
3. Perhaps God didn't want them to eat from the tree of life after eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil so that their bodies could die and they would not be forever 'stuck' here on earth. (God's love?)
   
4. It is odd that being naked caused them to feel shame. No other creature had clothing.
5. People communicated with God (in the form of Jesus?) whether physically face to face or otherwise - even people who displeased God. There was two-way, question-answer communication going on -AFTER the fall of man.
   
   
6. Even though Cain was under a curse, God had mercy on him. "anyone who kills Cain will suffer vengeance seven times over." Then the LORD put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him.

Assumptions:

1. This was a "perfect world" environment.
2. Death was not part of life. "You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die". This was not an immediate death.
   
3. There was no death until the fruit was eaten, then God might have killed an animal in order to get its skin. "The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them."
4. The animals could communicate with man and vice versa: "the serpent ...said to the woman".
5. Animals were intelligent and could reason: "the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made"
6. There was at that time childbirth but it was not painful: "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with pain you will give birth to children"

Curiosities:

1. What would have happened if Adam and Eve had eaten from the tree of life first?
   
2. Why was this a punishment: "Your desire will be for your husband". Could they have desired anyone before that? Seems wrong, but then again, they didn't know they were naked and it was not an issue.
   
3. It would seem that there may have been others in the garden as indicated by the statement about childbirth. Did the others stay?

Major Questions:

1. What happened that would cause offerings to be made? Why would God require them - DID He require them or were they just offered?
2. What made Abel's offering better? Cain worked hard for his offering. Abel killed a lamb. Humanly speaking it would seem that Cain's was the better offering. It would seem as that required something from him - his efforts, his labor. Abel killed a creation of God's. But Abel took care of the sheep - possibly more of a heart thing?? Cain's was from his labors. What does this say to me about what God desires? Full of symbolism.
   
3. The Lord said to Cain "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it." What was wrong with Cain's offering? Had God told them that He required an offering and what it should consist of?
4. The Lord said, "Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground... When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth." From this Cain got: "Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence." HOW did he get "I will be hidden from your presence"? Was it the curse, being a wanderer, being driven from the land? It wasn't that God would be hidden from Cain, it was Cain that would be hidden from God's presence. Is there something to this or is it just the terminology of the times, the writer's interpretation of events? "Cain went out from the LORD's presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden."

Where Am I?

Is it wrong that I still am floundering? I have been out of the church for over 2 years. I have played with many theories about God, Jesus, church, etc. In looking at unschooling (a less structured form of homeschooling) for my high school junior DD, I have read that you should generally allow 1 month for every year of schooling for them to deschool. If that's true does that mean I should allow 1 month for every year of religiosity? Wow! That's 50 months, over 4 years. It does take a while to get all the 'stuff' out of your head so that you can really see God without whatever you've been taught infringing on your thought processes.

I think about God, but mostly I find that I'm trying to not think about anything. It's like I don't want to think. But I do want to know who I am and I want to know who God is. Maybe I'm trying to rush it. Some say that wherever you are is good - and maybe that's true. I just feel like I'm wasting time. There's so much to learn and do.

Paul secluded himself for 3 years for time alone with God. He had a lot to unlearn and a lot to learn. I can't seclude myself. I have to work. I have a family. What would it be like to be able to do that with no distractions? For it to be just me and God for 3 years? I cannot imagine it being just me and God for one week. I would love to try it for a while. To leave the distractions behind. Not my family totally, but maybe just to stay in touch with them and know what's going on in their lives, know they're okay and to be there for them if they needed me.

Taking a Class

I have decided to take a couple of classes at the local community college. One class will be online Speed Spanish that lasts for 2 months. They have 3 levels and I plan to take all 3. And I have decided to check out being a Nurses Aide. So I'm taking an online class for that as well. They have morning labs on Saturdays and Sundays. This class will start in October and continue into February.

There are many benefits to me in taking these classes.

1. It could turn into my part time job which will help me to pay off my bills and set some money aside so I can follow my heart.
2. I could follow this 'career path' when I retire from my full time job.
   
3. It will get me started into an area of helping people, which is the ultimate direction I want to go, and will probably help lead to other areas as well.
4. Later, if I actually end up following my dream, this will be helpful to me in assisting other people and in assisting in disaster areas.
5. Studying Spanish along with this opens a whole new world and culture to me and will help broaden the spectrum of people I can help.
6. I have thought of many more, but they're just not coming to me right now.
   

I am very excited and very much looking forward to this. I really would like to get some nutritional recipes down before I get so busy with classes. I need to focus on that for a bit. Everyone in my family seems to be on board with eating healthier, so I at least have a cooperative spirit in my house.

I have found a great site for helping to save money on groceries and save time by doing the research for me. It's www.thegrocerygame.com. Check it out and see if it would help you as well. There is a free four week trial. I saved $100 on $226 in groceries my first time trying it. It helps if you can stockpile for a little while, then you will really reap the benefits!! My daughter tried it and saved over $100 on $200 in groceries her first time.

Taking My Time

In some ways I feel like I haven't accomplished much this week in terms of my overall goals. On the other hand, my thoughts have been centered around God much of the time and that is where I want my head to be - not wrapped around TV or frivolity, so progress is being made. It's not been all seriousness though. I've been reading (and finished) "A Prayer for Owen Meaney" which was a very entertaining and yet thought provoking book.

Now I'm reading "From Eternity to Here" by Frank Viola. I highly recommend this book even though I'm only through Ch. 6. I think it would be especially beneficial for anyone who has a difficult time seeing the passionate side of God. He is passionate about us. Amazing, isn't it!!

Steps Two and Three

I will be posting some time later some more about my plans. Right now, I'm easing into meditation to slow my mind down and become more aware so that I can be open to learning to better hear/sense the Holy Spirit's nudging. I've had one session of just trying to meditate (the dog's incessant barking required that I get up to let her in). I also want to start looking for healthy, inexpensive recipes. We eat out far too much and two of my goals are to get physically fit so that I am able to do whatever work I find to do to help those in need and to minimize my expenditures in an effort to pay off my bills so that I can hit the road. So if anyone reads this and knows of a website specific to low cost, healthy eating, please share. This may be the limit of changes right now until these things become part of my lifestyle.

One Step at a Time...for now

I cut myself some slack. Yesterday was the day I gave up media (TV, movies, non-enlightening fiction, etc.). There was much more that I planned to start yesterday. After all, there is much to do. I was going to start eating healthy, exercising, doing yoga for meditation. I got through the morning, after forgetting to stop by the store on the way to work to get some healthy food, and by lunchtime it was just a crazy day. I was ready to devour some caffeine, chocolate, comfort food - you get the picture. So I thought, "There really is no need to put so much pressure on myself. It WILL all get done and the road will be a lot sweeter if I take it one step at a time."

So yesterday, I had no TV.at.all. I picked up a pizza on the way home, ate with my daughter, spent a little time social networking on Facebook and a couple of other groups I'm part of, went to a yoga site to read up on how to get started with the meditation, sent my daughter off as she went to do her own face-to-face social networking, then I dusted off my piano books and spent about an hour reacquainting myself with the ivories. As time drew close to head off to bed, I read some in "A Prayer for Owen Meany" (I've heard it's very enriching) and went to sleep. I thought that might be a little difficult since I usually go to sleep to the TV, but it wasn't bad at all. I accomplished a few things, added an old friend (the piano) to my agenda, didn't put myself under any stress, and it ended up being a great day. I made the first step. It's going to be a fun and exciting journey...